Parenting is by far the most rewarding yet challenging thing I have ever encountered! The sense of responsibility can be overwhelming, you want to protect and nurture these little people that you love with every ounce of yourself unconditionally.  So when something comes up you have never experienced yourself it can bring up a whole host of emotions and you can may experience feelings of guilt or anger and start asking alot of questions of yourself, your child, the environment they are in. As a family we have experienced alot of incidences that have taken us all on a rollercoaster all in our different ways. I felt consumed at times, lost and worried how to help and support my child. 

A few things I found out tumbling through these experiences was the total lack of control I had for helping my kids, because I had never experienced anxiety, social media bullying, depression, self harm, eating disorders, behavioural struggles, differences in learning spectrums, at times felt unable to help them which made me feel inadequate, helpless, guilty, angry a whole host of emotions would run through me and although I could control my emotions we are all different and I had no idea how to support my kids.

I went to a GP, who on first visit, dismissed our concerns saying it was hormones.. I was horrified because I had told my child I was going to find the right support for them and this dismissal almost told my child that their feelings and experiences were just something they had to go through. SO I searched relentlessly on line for therapists, but there were so many different types I had no idea what I was looking for or how to find the right one.

Eventually I found a child therapist, it transpired it was the wrong one as they didn't gel and my child didn't feel any better,  I went back to the GP and was told again that it was hormones... which infuriated me! Eventually I found a doctor who recognised the needs and sent us for CAMHS but the waiting list is long because there are so many children needing support,  budgets are cut, resources limited, which seems ridiculous, surely we sort out any mental health issues and that would reduce physical health issues? I remembered that I had visited someone when I needed help to stop smoking, she had hypnotised me but I remembered that she did CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) So I called her and discussed my concerns and she agreed to meet with my child. The first few sessions were not appreciated by my child who fought it, didn't like the sessions and would argue when the sessions came up. But it helped, it helped alot as it transpired that my child was feeling anxious and would have anxiety attacks at school (No one from the school had let me know that was happening) My child didn't tell me either, I felt distraught that I had not been there for my child and I was determined to learn everything that had been hidden from me, we have dinner together every night, we were involved in our children's lives and we still missed all these things!! We blamed ourselves and we continued to support our child who was resistant to our support, feeling they wanted to deal with it and we didn't understand. We didn't really understand, they didn't understand, but we knew we had to find and get the right support. CBT won't help everyone, it isn't a magic fix, but it helped us, you have to keep going until you find the right support for your family. It is also important to remember that it doesn't stop here either, it is a continuous process of learning what triggers these feelings and emotions and how to learn to cope and live with them, it is a lifetime journey not a quick fix. We are continuously growing and learning and experiencing new things that can throw us backwards and forwards and we have to learn to navigate it at an early age. Everyone also expresses themselves differently, some are talkers and some are not, just find the outlet that is right for you and your child.

When we were going through these periods I found alot of really useful sites, that I didn't even know existed until then, if I had of known I am sure I would have handled the whole process somewhat differently, I remember asking "how are you feeling?" "What is wrong?" "Are you ok?" all the time, which caused alot of grief because my child didn't really understand why they were feeling that way at the time, the issues from the past that had been left and hidden kept resurfacing but in different ways, I would listen and watch out for signs and it would infuriate my child , often they would believe we had lost trust, did we believe what they were saying, they would hide their feelings or worries to avoid us asking questions, so if you are encountering issues these may give you some guidance, we are all different and we all have different needs but these may point you in the right direction in getting the support you need to support your child, here are just a few:-

https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/
https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/looking-after-yourself/
https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/types-bullying/
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/
https://www.net-aware.org.uk/networks/
http://www.bullying.co.uk/advice-for-parents/
https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-family-life-and-parenting/parenting-teenagers/menta...
https://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/Types-of-therapy.aspx
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-treatments/types-of-talking...
https://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/mental-health-services-explained/Pages/about-children...
https://www.kidscape.org.uk/

The other thing I learnt was to talk to people, friends, family, professionals, just talk, you will realise that people you know will have some experience or know of someone who has experienced the same or similar things... you are not alone, you are one of millions trying to navigate through life and supporting your family and part of that journey is learning about things you have not experienced before. It is not a weakness to ask for help, it is a strength!

Over the last few years I have seen the joys and heartache friendship can bring to our kids, one day they are best friends, the next they will fall out, this is natural and part of growing up, but what happens if this spirals out of the norm? It can be consuming as a parent to want our kids to be happy, to not experience detrimental issues or friendships that turn toxic and we try very hard to protect them from the hurt and low self esteem fall outs bring. I remember years ago my middle child (daughter) first experienced these issues, she hid them from us for a long time, she was old enough and had expressed her need to be independent so wanted to go into the playground of a morning by herself. We respected this and as she had an older brother in the year above we agreed. However; over a period of months we began to notice very subtle changes in her attitude and behaviour towards her siblings and us, so decided to watch the goings on in the morning from outside the school gate. We were horrified to notice that there was segregation and that girls (friends) turned their back when she entered and she stood, alone on the outside of her friendship group waiting for the school bell to ring. Our first instinct was to rush in there and sort it out but, we wanted to give her the opportunity to speak to us without her feeling pressured to do so or putting her on the spot, we started raising indirect questions around the dinner table,  it took a few attempts but finally she did start to open up and told us that this had been going on for sometime. We then embarked on a journey that was utterly consuming for her, for us and for our whole family. Aswell as going through the normal growing pains she endured a series of events that were attacking her self worth, her understanding of the world and the people in it and in turn her behaviour and mood.

At the time I remember pulling on everything I had as the emotional rollercoaster was immense, you feel it for your child and it brings up any issues you dealt with at that age at the same time. Things evolved, people moved on and started to change and then the move to senior school happened. That is a different ball game altogether, you don't know the parents, hierarchies are in place, jostling for position and where do I fit in? Loyalties to primary school friendship change and evolve and they start to establish their place in this whole new environment. This is a massive conversation and we will leave it here to be picked up at another time as it is the primary relationships I wanted to discuss at this point.
My point of this is to be mindful of the 7-10 year old age group, they are all going through changes, they fall in and out of friendships very quickly,  how they see themselves and how others see them is becoming increasingly important to them so they feel alot of pressure,  learn to spot the subtle changes that will happen when your child is not happy, don't put them on the spot if they have not spoken to you about it, ask indirect questions, ask teachers, but above all be present, let them know you are there, that they are not alone. Show them how to process different behaviours and deal with them in a way that is best for them, have conversations about retaliation, silent treatment, whispering and how actions can be mean, how to recognise if they are doing it, part of a group that is doing it or on the receiving end of it. Make sure they understand that they can talk to people about it, how they feel. There has to be intervention at this age, they are growing and need to learn how to act when these things happen, ofcourse they will not want you to get involved, but when the fall out becomes often and the same things are repeating, or if they don't tell you but you notice subtle changes, be alerted to start watching more closely- this is  when you have to help them because if it keeps happening they need help on managing their relationships, remember they are still learning what friendship is all about, how to behave and what is right and wrong, there are so many influences and incidents that can have an impact in their life whilst they are journeying through the bumpy road called growing up - so it is a critical time for us to cement values and help them to understand that kindness is a strength not a weakness, noticing someone on their own, not retaliating to mean words or negative behaviour, not being mean to others, not leaving someone out, how noticing another person looking sad and simply smiling at them can make a world of difference, instill kindness from an early age. They will continue to learn how to behave from everyone  in their life... Every single person is different, reacts differently and has different ideas and experiences, so be mindful, remember, how you react may influence the way your child will react too.

Wow, it's been a few months since I last put finger tips to keyboard to update our blog and I find us in Autumn, my favourite season, the leaves turn into such beautiful colours before they cascade to the ground to cloak our pathways so beautifully! Do you know why the leaves fall to the ground?  Firstly not all trees shed their leaves, However; The tree's that do, follow their instincts and actually seal the spot where the leaf is attached so that fluids cannot flow in and out of the leaves, this makes the colour of the leaf change and then drop to the ground. This helps the tree prepare for and survive the cold dry air of winter. Also a tree without leaves needs less energy to remain alive,  the trees own primal instinct to survive steers it in the right direction.

We have been talking to lots people about ZoneUm and what it is trying to achieve and to put it plainly its purpose is to help us thrive positively in our techno environment, how do we do that? We can't be like trees and cut off what we do not need or can we? We have developed so much over the last decade yet we still look back to compare and make assumptions about happiness and value.  What we value as human beings changes quite significantly over generation, my generation has spent the last few decades inventing and evolving technology, hardware, software, intelligent and smart tools to satisfy a need of immediate gratification. We now compare our techno free upbringing with our children's' techno rich upbringing and we judge them for being glued to their technology, yet we are the ones who put that technology in their hands, in their thoughts and in their lives they have been using this technology before they could read, they are growing into spectacular adults who can make millions online at very young ages something we were never able to achieve. But are they ready?  We achieved a lot but they will achieve so much more because that is what generations do- they evolve and develop, but are they ready for the speed of change that todays technology will bring them? We must be mindful that as much as we need technology we must also understand the disadvantages that come with it... Solitude, loneliness, lack of ability to think for ourselves, the need for recognition and interaction through a hand held device that connects us to our peers, our colleagues, our online communities and  even to people we have never met, non stop noise, no escape... WE need to teach our children how to best deal with the negativity as much as the positivity of technology. We must teach them how to follow their instincts, to not loose who they are before they even find out who they are, to understand their value and the value in others. We must teach them from a young age the behaviour that will help them and give them the confidence to be their true authentic selves and thrive.

Wow, I can hardly believe it is a year since our last update to you on our blog. I must start by thanking you for bearing with me, it has been quite a year and a lot has changed, when I sit and reflect it seems inconceivable that this time has gone by but it has. So thank you, I have received alot of feedback over the year, feedback and experiences that will all contribute to the changing face of ZoneUm.

Firstly, Rachel is sadly no longer part of Zoneum, she is however still a fabulous supporter and will always be a big part of the creation of ZoneUm's heart, she was here from the very start but as I mentioned in a previous blog we both have other businesses and Rachel needed to concentrate on her ever growing Boutique and many fabulous projects she is busy organising which are all flourishing beautifully.

So lets jump back to December.. I broke my ankle, at the same time my husband broke his wrist, this was a challenging time because as much of a comedy act we looked it was incredibly difficult and opened up a journey of vulnerability, particularly for me. I had always seen myself as invincible and I realised I wasn't, physically, mentally or emotionally. (Obvious really, I am human, how can you be invincible when you are human?) I am however; quite an independent person, who finds it difficult to ask for personal, individual help so the period of needing to depend so much on other people brought me to my knees, I am not embarrassed to say that, I found it hard, frustrating, frightening, I was out of control, it was degrading, every negative self loathing word you can think of.. I felt it. But I realised I was humbled by people, people have always amazed me with their generosity when we have done different events or by their kindness and willingness to help with ZoneUm but this was different, this was about me not something I was talking about, but very personally me and my family. My lesson was really simple,   when you give people the chance they reach out to you and help you even with you protesting there they are, like shining lights. INCREDIBLE! I also spent alot of time reflecting and I learnt how to be by myself, totally, in my own space, with my own thoughts, I had to learn to quieten them and be in a moment... that moment, not wondering about tomorrow or worrying about yesterday but just to be there, present, right now.

When my ankle was fixed I half expected life to be back where it was, but it wasn't, it had changed, I had changed, it took me months to get through and realise all of the amazing lessons of that period, in fact that journey is still ongoing. My mind is stronger, having felt vulnerability I feel emotionally stronger. I am slowly getting back to exercise which; as much as I protest and don't really want to go gives me such a boost in every way and is getting me physically stronger, which makes me better placed to make the right decisions.

I see now, I actually was not useless at all, of-course there were things I couldn't do but each day I got stronger and each day I achieved something that I could not do the day before. As a family we have experienced alot, my son went through his GCSE's and finished his first year at college, daughter number 1 went through her GCSE's and my youngest encountered friendship battles and had experiences that were both challenging and rewarding for her. (I will write about these another time as they need a blog all to themselves.) Ultimately this last year has given me more knowledge and experience to guide me to know how and where ZoneUm actually fits in.

It's nearing the end of the school year and transitions are upon us, a friend of mine has kindly shared  her thoughts in a blog as her daughter (year 6) went on the week long residential trip at Easter and started her transition from primary to secondary school. It is a really interesting read with alot of emotions and thoughts I can associate with.. have a read I think you will find it interesting...

Thoughts From The Comfort Of My Sofa.by EK April 2017

 

Before....

This has been a tough week for my family. Last Saturday I had a hysterectomy: there were a few complications – nothing serious, but it’s made my recovery slower and more painful than I’d planned. And I am a planner – it’s a blessing and a curse. We, like so many families, have busy lives that take each of us in different directions, and my way of feeling in control is to plan, organise and tidy – it drives my family mad!

Now, it would be easy to think I could spend my recovery time watching Netflix and eating chocolate – which was my original plan; however, a stomach bug (after abdominal surgery – talk about bad timing!) left me in pain and very uncomfortable and to add insult to injury, unable to eat chocolate or concentrate on Netflix or the magazines my kind friends had dropped around.

It’s also left me unable to be there for my two children. And I’m talking physically, emotionally, spiritually – on every level. I physically can’t do it. I am currently unable to meet them from school, unable to cook them dinner, unable to do their homework with them and unable to give the energy that I want to give. Even giving them a cuddle is incredibly painful.

This all sounds very dramatic, and the reality is – it’s not. To the outside world it looks like I’m spending a lot of time snuggling with our dog on the sofa, while my children step up and become more self sufficient. They come home from school, get themselves a snack, give me a hug, ask how I am, can they get me anything? Then they go and play out with their friends before coming home for the dinner that my husband (who also completely stepped up) has made.

This sounds great, right? Everyone is coping while I recuperate, which IS a good thing.

What I haven’t mentioned is that next week my eldest daughter goes away with her school - her first residential trip away without parents.

Now, this is by no means the first time we’ve been separated. I’ve been fortunate enough to go away for weekends with friends, family and my husband. She’s obviously had hundreds of sleepovers..... but, this is the first time SHE’S been the one going away for 5 whole days.

And you know what? She’s absolutely cool about it. I thought she might be nervous or have concerns – maybe she’d miss us? But nope, she has had her bag packed for weeks and has been counting down the days.

I am so proud of her. I look at this little human in front of me, just starting to find her own way in the world. Making decisions for herself – decisions I often agree with as well as a few that I don’t, creating her own fashion style (a style I wish I could pull off!), caring for her sister, making choices about high schools and friendships and I realise – I literally made this awesome little person that is becoming a beautiful human being! And my heart swells, and I’m so excited for her and the journey she’s going on, and I’m so thrilled at all the opportunities she’s going to face, and I’m so sad that she won’t need me as much, but I’m also so incredibly proud that she’s becoming her own person!

I realise that I am a little nervous for her, but I think that’s normal? Next week will be exhausting for her, and I’m sure there’ll be some food that she won’t like, or a silly argument with someone that she’ll have to deal with by herself, or maybe just waking in the night and not remembering where she is.

But; at the moment, those concerns are mine, not hers.

We don’t have any contact with our children at all next week, which I agree is best. But the house will feel very quiet.

My husband is busy working, and my youngest daughter has a crazy week of football matches and school drama productions. I would also usually be crazy busy – I work, and do what most parents do around the house – cook, clean, walk the dog etc. Except that for me, next week will be spent still recuperating. So yes, Netflix and chocolate... but also more time to wonder what my daughter is up to. Is it raining? Is she warm enough? Will she wear the thermals I bought her? (Probably not!)

So I have decided that my job is to look after myself while she is away so that when she gets back I will have the energy I need to hear all about her trip, maybe even go out for a meal to celebrate her return.

In the meantime, I will snuggle on the sofa with my dog and enjoy some quality time with daughter number 2.

 

During.......

So, my eldest daughter has been away for most of the week and is due back tomorrow.

It’d been a weird week - good, but weird. I am still recovering from my op – the good news is I’m loads better than last week. I’ve managed to get out of my pj’s and wear actual clothes! (Hey, small victories!)

I’ve even left the house a couple of times. Admittedly, I looked pretty horrendous, but I got out.

Daughter number 2 has been amazing! She was the only girl in her football team and they came a close 2nd place in their tournament, and for the last couple of nights she’s been in her school drama production.

Have we all been thinking about daughter number 1? Of course! But to tell you the truth, we’ve all kept busy and the week has gone pretty quickly.

There may be the odd moment when I catch myself wondering what she’s up to. Fortunately we’ve heard that the weather is good in where they are so I don’t have to worry about her freezing and being inappropriately – but oh so fashionably – dressed.

And in the morning and night time I might catch myself whispering a quiet ‘good morning’ or ‘good night’ and sending it her way – but I think that’s normal?

So tomorrow evening I’ll go and collect my eldest from school. It will be quite late and they’ll have been on the bus for hours.

I’m told to prepare myself as they all come home feeling very grown up and independent – apparently this week away is a real milestone, and once they’ve had a taste of freedom there’s no going back.

So, I’ll wait and see what tomorrow brings, and look forward to embarrassing her with a huge hug in front of all her friends.

 

And after.......

So, daughter number 1 has now been home a full week, and it’s like she’s never been away. In fact, I can hear both girls upstairs squawking at each other as I type..... ah, back to normal!

I don’t really know what I was expecting. I think I had listened to so many people warning me that there would be an unrecognisable change in all the year 6 kids that I thought my daughter may emerge from the coach looking like an 18 year old Uni student.

However, she plodded down those steps, gave us a big grin and a hug and greeted us in what can only be described as a hoarse whisper. She honestly sounded like she’d spent the past week going out clubbing!

Clearly exhausted, a little bit grubby, but very happy, she told us all about her adventures canoeing, gorge scrambling and sleeping in a dorm. She had an amazing time and didn’t miss us at all.

It would be easy to feel a little sad about that, I suppose. I look at her freckled face grinning away as she fills us in on all that happened, but as I said earlier, I feel nothing but excitement for what the future holds for this incredible – not so little – human that I helped to create.

It’s easy to forget how many possibilities lay ahead when you’re only 10 years old; and I actually find myself a tiny bit envious of all the adventures still to come for these children.

Although, at the grand old age of 36 I still have many more to come myself, I reflect on my own life – the choices I made, the friends I chose, and I wonder.... will my children choose similar paths? How much of ‘me’ and their dad will imprint on them? These thoughts make me ever more acutely aware of the responsibilities we share as parents and shaping the next generation.

In a time of political upheaval, the battle for equality for all, and environmental change – that responsibility is huge and rather overwhelming.

So I will cherish the time I have with my little girls, and look forward to watching them grow – in every sense of the word.

And whist I am still spending some time snuggling with the dog on the sofa (turns out I am an extremely impatient patient and find it very difficult to rest!), at least now I am well enough to cuddle my children as well.

Hey there, just felt we needed to give you an update as it must appear we have gone a little quiet.. I can assure you we have been busy beavering away!! If you didn't know already ZoneUm is made up of myself and Rachel. So, a little background for you just so you can get to know us a little better. I am married to Pete and Rachel is married to Ben, We both have other businesses (very different, I have a software company and Rachel owns a boutique) and we have three children each ( I have 1 son and 2 daughters and Rachel has 1 daughter and 2 sons) all aged between 8 and 17. 

Over the last few months we have been structuring the business as well as organising the content for the site, we are in the middle of putting a business plan together to assist us with creating ZoneUm. We have met with so many business owners, teachers, schools, lecturers, health professionals, MP's, performers, writers, designers, strategists, business angels, charities... you name it we have met with them and we continue to do that in order to collate the right information to make the videos age relevent. We have scheduled a summer of filming so we can be ready to edit the videos by September.  We are also  designing the front end of the website and mapping the architecture of the login area where access to the videos and tool tips will be, it's a task and a half because we have to ensure its scalable and ready for our soft launch (we have set ourselves a target for our launch and we will be working very hard to achieve this) so in the meantime we have to finalise our business plan, put our management team together and raise some funds to get us building. 

We have many people contributing to content ideas so we just wanted to open it out - if you have any ideas you would like to see us cover in chapter 1- The transition from Primary to Secondary school please do get in touch via our contact page and pass on your ideas- we would love to hear from you!


 

Hello, Over the last few weeks, I have  been having some clashes with my teens, it doesn't have to be a battle but I guess it is a confusing time, it is difficult for both sides, our teens are trying to find their way and we are scared for them, we try to guide them but it comes across as controlling and they are trying to be the adult they are growing into but its scary for them too. Both teens and parents struggle but it doesn't last, some days it gets better some days it gets worse but the bad days do not last, it does eventually level out. (So I am reassured) Recently I was so consumed by total agitation at my changing relationship with my teens that I exploded into a huge ball of tears, tears that I had no control over, I had no explanation or way to stop it other than to crawl into bed and sleep. This lasted for about an hour, someone sent me a message totally out of the blue just reminding me to remember me time, So I got up, went to a pilates class and I stretched it out,  with a mixture of exercise and a kind reminder I was able to have a chat with my teens which made me feel better. No amount of time holding in my frustrations and being on my own, crying,  allowing my negative thoughts to rule me helped, it simply made me worse... I needed to find the strength to get out, express, I spent just 45 minutes stretching every negative thought out of my head.  It is up to us to choose to either remove or feed negativity, That is why it is....

IMPERATIVE FOR BOTH PARENTS AND CHILDREN TO LEARN....

Self expression, keep talking, writing, singing, meditating, screaming,  dancing, colouring, exercising, makeovers, painting, playing music & instruments, drawing whatever it is that helps you to express yourself... just do it... just do what you need to do to get your thoughts & emotions out, do not hold them in, as adults we think we need to be strong and not burden others with our worries, Huge mistake, we need to learn for ourselves and more importantly teach our children that we need to let it go, don't let your thoughts convince you of anything, don't let others words hurt or mould you, be strong, be willing to invest all you have in YOU understand you and your own value. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT and that is just okay... In fact that is perfect.

Good afternoon, I am very proud to introduce our beautiful new branding... It has taken a good few months, but here we are!! 

We owe it all to a very wonderful man called David Bamber from Cake Agency, he is a genius... FACT!!

He came to meet us a few months ago and agreed to take on our branding. We were excitable and we were emotional when we talked about how we saw our brand and I don't know how he did it but David Bamber translated everything we expressed and presented some ideas to us, you may or may not remember when David presented his ideas to us I cried,  16 years I have been in business and I have never cried in a meeting before.. EVER!!

I guess it was a mix of emotions when I saw our ideas come to life, it made me feel totally and utterly raw, exposed and real. Having talked to so many people about ZoneUm everything had been conceptual and yet here we are ZoneUm.. all grown up, very real and looking ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS!!

Hello!! Pheww its been a week and a half... So, as you know we did not make it through to the top 80 of VOOM... But phaaaa, you can't have success without experiencing something they call 'failure' 
BUT... did we fail??

Has it only been a week?? WOW, it feels like 3!

So VOOM finished on Monday at midnight, we didn't make it to the top 80 but we got an impressive 558 votes, made a huge amount of noise and established some amazing new contacts that will benefit ZoneUm immensely. 

A huge thank you for your support, we achieved so much more than we could have ever imagined you were brilliant, but is our VOOM Journey over? Ummmmmm.. NO,  of course not, we are going to enter their peoples choice award which opens for voting next week and puts us in with a chance of winning £10,000 which will help us to develop ZoneUm, so keep your eyes peeled I will be asking you for your kind support again!!

Have you heard our Fabulous song...... LISTEN HERE

This week, whilst the kids started their exams, we started the mammoth job of scheduling all our videos to be filmed, it is a huge job to organise as we have to co ordinate so many people, but no fear, Rachel is on this and armed with her trusty Pen and diary.... she will have it all sorted and under control. It is super exciting we cannot wait to get started. We have had several meetings about content and delivery techniques, storyboards are being written and filming venues found. We have also been building further relationships with schools to pilot ZoneUm when it is live, which is really exhilarating, talking with educators and parents highlights the ever growing need to teach our kids how to understand their value and learn how to express themselves. 

Oh yes and we had an interview on the radio.... SHOUTING ABOUT ZONEUM